Reflection on Misgendering

I often find myself in a position where I am being misgendered, deadnamed, or both. However, I often find myself more consistently in the former of the three. Mostly from strangers, but friends and family as well. There are two aspects of misgendering that I’d like to touch on, one being my main focus the other a parting thought.

When I am misgendered by strangers mostly I have learned to shrug it off as ignorant and remenisent as a time when people presented their pronouns through “traditional” clothes and appearances. There is a certain unwillingness (not from all, but quite a few) to move and flow with the changing times and accept the separation between gender, pronouns, and gender expression. However I understand this and have learned (through much trial and error) that accepting people's incorrect pronoun selection for me is easier than correcting, explaining, and ultimately getting looks as if I have just murdered some poor innocent lamb in front of them (an actual experience I have had). And I suppose to some extent I have, metaphorically at least. If the lamb is their idea that people express their pronouns through the way they look, dress, and act. But for some it is more of a mind opening experience. 

The other side of the coin is the misgendering from those close to me, from those who have known me either since I was a small child, a fresh high school student, or even after the start of my transition journey. The hard part about being misgendered by people like that is it is almost an unconscious disregard for my identity and gender. I spent years and years of my younger life in distress not knowing why because I didn’t have the right words. For people, especially those who have known me only since my transition, to turn around and simply disregard that strife, struggle, and discovery with one simple word is a whole world more of pain than if a stranger were to misgender me. Now for the most part, I am a patient person and I sit quietly and explain to the best of my ability (without upsetting the person who misgendered me, which I have had a lot of practice with) why the pronouns I use are the pronouns I use. It is definitely hard, but I am so so thankful for the friends, family, and teachers who support me and use the correct pronouns and name. Because to spite the complaining above, I am constantly thankful that I am fortunate enough to have an irreplaceable support system. 

And now, for the parting thought which I was given at SDLC at the beginning of December. I was asked why it is called misgendering if gender does not equal pronouns. I was struck with the simplicity of the question and yet the complexity of the answer. I of course answered to the best of my ability. The answer was more complex than I had time for, but it was along the lines of blaming the greater society. I believe that the word “misgender” is rooted in societal norms of gender presentation being easily and swiftly connected to pronouns. There is almost a laziness and a disregard for transness in the use of the word misgender. It really does reinforce the equation of pronouns to gender. Yes, I used that word for the entirety of my above observations, but I am working on finding a new word. And so, as my parting thought, what would you call it?