How To Be A ~Subpar~ Plant Parent
Thanks to the one and only Carina Lim, my dream of owning a Japanese Peace Lily became fully realized on my 17th birthday. Now, I had somehow exterminated every single plant I’ve ever owned, each dying out quicker than the last, but I was determined for this one to last. At that point, I had a lot to prove and not a lot to lose, so I took my new role in stride and committed to being the best plant mom I possibly could be. Below are some helpful tips I’ve picked up along the way for all you beginners (from your very own self-proclaimed expert).
Prior Commitment. The reason I’ve always wanted a Japanese Peace Lily is mostly stupid, but well-intentioned nonetheless. There’s a movie called Hot Fuzz that my friend in eighth grade begged me to watch, so putting my hesitance aside, I gave in. Though expecting to hate it, I was shocked by its quality and refined plot (pure mastery if I do say so myself). Hot Fuzz is part of a three-part series called the Cornetto Trilogy, all starring and written by Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, but Hot Fuzz is easily the best installment (do NOT watch The World’s End (the third installment), it’s pure garbage and confusion). Though Simon Pegg does an outstanding job as the lead, the true star of the movie is his Japanese Peace Lily, who scores more screen time than some of the side characters. Basically, after all the anticipation, there was no way I was going to screw this whole parenting thing up. This was not some half-baked plan: it was destiny.
Dedication. I’m terrible at picking up positive habits. A lost cause if you will. There’s something about the alluring prospect of only having to water a cactus every few weeks that just beckons failure. My mom has shamed me for killing plants since sixth grade when I begged for an African Lily and forgot to water it almost immediately. By the time my mom carried its shriveled up corpse off of my windowsill and unceremoniously buried it in the trash, the moniker of a plant killer was already firmly attached to my persona. Learning from my (countless) mistakes, I placed my Peace Lily on a shelf where it could stare at me with judgment, daring me to forget about it, taunting me with its greenery. I withered under its gaze, dutifully caring for it.
Doing Mom-ish Things. After three months, it was time for a radical change. No longer would the crumpled up plastic bag my Peace Lily came in suffice. So, I put my procrastination aside for the weekend and re-homed my plant into a cute mug (a new outfit). Essentially, I’m on my way to being an effective parent. Next, I became a classic Facebook mom, documenting everything, from my plant’s first bloom to its growth over our time together (think of this as the tick marks made on the wall to chart a child’s growth). Needless to say, my friends were all too happy to kindly (but not really) tell me to please stop sending them plant photos because they “don’t care”. Well, at least now I know who isn’t making the aunt and uncle shortlists...
I hope this article can operate as a much-needed self-help blog for caring for teenage plants. Too long have we all sat by and let helpless house plants die as we queue up another YouTube video, blind to their struggles, oblivious to their cries for help. It’s time we reclaim our honor and become the parents every plant deserves. Though they may require a lot of work and leave us questioning why we thought this whole thing was a good idea, it pays off in the end when they’re all grown up.