Conductor - From a Musical Point of View

Jacob helbig ‘20

Conductor (noun) \kən-ˈdək-tər\

A special kind of human, distinguished from all other types by five key characteristics:

  • A conductor is the respective director of choral music at Indian Springs School, outside Birmingham, AL.

  • After being interested in music for multiple years during High School and before, a conductor undergoes both undergraduate as well as graduate school in their early stages of development, only to finally hear that the previous conductor is leaving Indian Springs School. This motivates the soon-to-be conductor to apply for a job there. After being evaluated critically by the jury, the title of conductor is bestowed upon them.

  • A conductor wears glasses. This tool allows them to see problems in the choir. Is someone singing flat? The conductor doesn’t only hear it, the conductor’s glasses allow them to see it as well, enabling faster fixing of problems.

    • The conductor has an unhealthy relationship with coffee. The conductor often tries to cheat on coffee with tea, but as soon as coffee finds out, the relationship is resumed.

  • Around lunchtime, and on Monday evenings, the conductor has a sudden urge to move. This is released through the activity of “conducting”, which involves erratic hand- and arm-movements, foot-stomping, and a hand-movement in which both hands are placed next to their respective ears and begin to rotate forwards, with the ears being the axis of rotation. Once they have reached their final point of rotation, which is about 15 degrees, the movement starts over. This behavior is often coupled with a verbal outburst of “Altos! Altos!”

“From a Musical Point of View” is inspired by the column “Musikalisch Gesehen” in the German choir-magazine “Synkope”. It periodically defines words, phrases or ideas in the same way musicians would understand them, with the goal of offering peasants an insight into the mind of musicians. It is not to be taken seriously.