Man claims to be a better person for being born in the Eastern Timezone 

will smith ‘19

Caucasius Neckbeard, who calls himself “The Timezone Patriot,” claims to be a better person for being born in Phenix City, Alabama. As he was born in the only part of Alabama in the Eastern Time Zone, he has since grown to believe that being born in his respective time zone has given him unique qualities. He believes that the Eastern Time Zone is “the time zone destined to surpass the other degenerate time zones and then to populate the Earth with their glorious children”. A bold and outspoken figure, he has claimed such things as the Mountain Time Zone being subhuman and the Pacific Time Zone having an average IQ twenty points lower than that of his timezone. As a native of Alabama’s only Eastern Time Zone, Neckbeard has spoken with disgust upon the rest of Alabama, which is in Central Time Zone. He has said, “though the Centrists are more genetically developed than the Western types, they are still to be considered impurities upon this nation. The great city of Phenix City must protect its borders from these savages at all costs.” He has claimed that these people coming into his hometown are, as he calls them, “drug dealers and rapists”. As the Western part of the United States grows quickly in population, especially in Pacific areas such as California, he has claimed “the way of life in the Eastern Time Zone is under attack, and we need to take drastic measures to ensure that the core of Eastern civilization does not fall to the hands of these lazy, job-stealing, terrorist, Mountainite and Pacificite vermin. The founding fathers developed this nation on this Eastern soil, and it must be known that we shall stay true to our given roots and heritage.”